Musings
A friend of mine convinced me to do cognitive behavioural therapy to rein in some of my self destructive habits. I would need to read up a book on the subject to effectively apply the concepts in my daily life. The problem is I've decided to put all reading off until I finish this speed reading book followed by this memory book. However, I've been badly procrastinating and the speed reading book requires consistent daily drilling. Through bad time management and laziness, I've done very little drilling when drilling is the key to achieve higher comprehension rates. So in the meantime with varying degrees of success, I've been trying to halt all negative thoughts. But this has thrown me off my writing game for some reason. I don't necessarily have entirely negative things to write about, yet my mind has been unable to focus lately. Or perhaps this is more a case of bad time management.I've realized recently that I should look more into social sociology to gain a better understanding of myself and my peers. If only I ever finish that speed reading book and improve my comprehension rate.
In the BTVS episode, "Fool for Love", Spike comes to the conclusion that all Slayers eventually wish for death because of their inescapable and ultimately fatal occupation. Spike reasons Buffy has only survived this long because of the relationships that tie her to this world whereas previous Slayers endured their hardships alone. Essentially this the reason I don't delete my Facebook account since I don't really use it (for reasons on another day maybe). In general, there are many degrees of separation between my different networks, so Facebook helps if I'm on the wrong end of car collision. It also leaves a trivial "I wuz heer" mark in history. But most surprisingly is how Facebook makes me analysis my own life and relationships. It's obvious I don't have the quantity of relationships that others have, but whether it's all in my mind or not, I'm starting to believe the average relationship quality is much lower as well. The former comes with the territory of being an extremely introverted individual, but the latter is disappointing. The tipping point for the formulation of said hypothesis was when a close friend decided to not remember my birthday for the second year in a row. It bothers me not because my birthday is big deal when the day itself is not a big deal to me. Rather it's the fact that this person made my birthday seem like a significant event and then forgot about it again especially after an impassioned apology for the slip up last year. Although, I still consider this person a good friend. it made me pause and think. However several other people did acknowledge my birthday (once again, I don't think much of my own birthday), so maybe I'm just overanalyzing things leading to me to perhaps my main problem...
It's closing on 4 years since graduation and I now realize that I've spent a frightening amount of time alone and isolated. My curious sets of curious circumstance (ie quiet work lunches with older ladies) have only seemingly worsen my problems and symptoms. I feel more anxious, paranoid and I've become increasingly paralyzed by the "fortune teller" cognitive distortion. Unlike previous problems where I could at least envision a solution or end goal (ie, pass midterm, get a job), I don't know to how to overcome my latest obstacles. I'm starting to think that I never truly fully escaped my post-grad depression and that instead it simmered and mutated into a more significant problem. Or maybe my perception has been badly warped and my perceived problems are of a lesser degree. Help?
posted by Edward @ 1:18 AM
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